22

I’ve been in this world for an official 22 years. That’s 8,030 days of a whole lot of laughter and whole lot more of tears. I’ve experienced things that have made me who I aim. The circumstances I was raised in shaped who I wanted to be. And if there’s anything I have learned so far in this world, it’s to take things day by day when things are rough. And no matter who broke your heart or your spirit or soul, know that the choice is entirely yours. The choice on “what next?”. You may have been placed in positions you didn’t ask for or encounter but the choice after that is always yours. No matter what you’re told or what you think. And that’s the biggest thing I have learned. We always have a choice. And the hard ones to make are the ones you’ll always remember. Our choices shape us. They mold us into the human beings we are. So don’t ever lose hope in whatever you believe in. And always remember you have a choice, so don’t let another person tell you what to do. Stand up for yourself at all times because no one else will. Fight for what you want. And fight for what you believe. This is your life. And no one should take away how you want to live it.

09-28-2018.

I look for your name. Every time I scroll the bright little screen in front of me, I search for you. Perhaps finding a bit of hope left, strong enough to even connect me to you. Enough to believe you couldn’t walk away as easily as I feel you did. And perhaps I’ve find this hope and I search for you to confirm this hope isn’t hopeless. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to find or see. And the truth is, you owe me nothing. You walked away and you held every right to. So you owe me nothing. But why do I keep convincing myself that you do. Maybe it’s to prove to me I’m able to be loved enough not be forgotten about. And just as you owe me nothing, neither do I. I owe you absolutely nothing, and yet.. here I am waiting. Waiting for you to reach out. Waiting to find a sign. Searching where I already know I can’t find within you. I know all the answers I want are inside of me, so why do I search your name like something has changed?

09-23-18

We deserve to move forward without thinking about all the things we did wrong when we’re the ones who got broken hearted. The truth is, there are things we could’ve done differently, but they could’ve too. And maybe they think about the same thing, and maybe they don’t. Maybe they’re living their life freely with no hesitation. And we have to be okay with that. We have to be okay with the fact that maybe they were better off without us. There are so many things we think and feel that they don’t because of the side we stand on. They never lost the power of a choice. Because they chose this. We’re stuck paying a price we didn’t ask for. And that’s what sucks. And even though we know we deserve to move forward, we feel stuck like this no matter what. 

09-18-18

After everything I have given you and will never get back, I know we loved right because I still believe in love while I’m standing here broken hearted.

09-04-18

I fell in love with the sound of her voice and the way her laugh could make a whole room turn. It’s the same sound that’s slowly crushing me, dragging me into the ocean I once swam in. I’m drowning.