Idek

Do you ever feel like you’re holding your breath around a person because you’re afraid to do something wrong?
I used to breath so deeply, and now I’m gasping for air.
I tread carefully because one wrong step and I’m back to this feeling of second guessing. I used to be so sure of what I wanted and this thing we got going on, but lately my mind has been wondering to times when we were just friends. Your impatience and negative energy will be the end of me. The person whom once gave me life is somehow now draining it from me. I’ve begun to have moments of nothingness. I feel nothing. My light feels dim. I just don’t think I can do this for any longer. I pray I find a way to voice how I feel without it all going wrong.

You were once everything I hoped for, I miss that. I miss you.

Life’s just great

I can’t breathe.
I’m.. out of words
I think I’d rather die

Always been you.

So much has changed in the last four months. So much.
From family, to personal health, down to a moment of a boy who should’ve asked before acting.

I am different. Understandably so.
Yet through it all, it is the thought of you that pulls me through.
I will not beg. I will not even ask because I know my answer.
But if you ever find your way back to me, I will be here.
Because it has always been you. Every tear. Every smile. Every thought. And every poem.
It’s always been you.

It is not hope you come back that I hold on to. It’s not hope at all.
It is just a decision. A decision that I will not settle for anything less than the greatest love I can have.
You are that greatest love.

My mind is different. I am different.
I no longer contemplate over the things I have no control. I no longer care for the amount of smiles I receive in a day. I no longer care because I am okay with being alone.

I no longer depend my emotions on someone or something else.
I choose how I want to feel.

If you ever come back, know that I am different. I cannot say if it is for the better or for worse. That decision would be yours to make.

Either way, know that it has always be you. And it will always be you.

All is not lost

I look at her and it’s so breath taking. Her smile, her laugh. It all slowly kills me cause I can’t breathe. Every thought I hold escapes me. I see her and I’m lost. It’s all so new and so good. I never thought this feeling would find itself back to me, but here it is. And the overwhelming excitement feels good. Her heart is so full. And every look I steal, I fall further and deeper. It’s a great escape from the world I’ve created for myself. I still feel broken, but she gives me the one thing I haven’t had for so long I barely recognize... hope.

Thunderstorm

Your soul like a thunderstorm, holding so much beauty and destruction. Where there is one, you will find the other. So brilliantly falling, feeding nature’s world and drowning its people. I take one look at your lightning and I’m struck. Frozen, unable to move. My heart’s beating, spilling every secret into you. I finally tilt my head back to look at you and smile. Because your destruction is forgotten, and all I see is you.

Freedom forced

I am a blade showing you your reflection as you cut deep. A reminder on your skin of the memories you carry. Your tears fall like the rain that doesn’t seem to pass. I feel your warm body go cold as I cause you pain with a stroke.  At the end, you close your eyes and tilt back in a tub of running water where your blood lingers and drips down to your fingertips. You are safe now. You are home. You are free.

10-03-18.

Unstable, leaning on a crutch to hold me up. All the noise I’m surrounded by gets louder, I can’t focus. It's all too much. Sweet sounds whispering in my ears to fight off the white noise I’m suffocating in. Dependent on a wire, in a world where we are run by a screen. I try to breathe like I’m supposed to know how, but I’ve been raised by the hand that cupped my mouth to hold my breath. Instability is at all angles, and I’m not the only one.