what gets me the most

its the way she laughs that gets me the most.
is it possible to fall in love with someone through the sound of their voice?
she smiles and my whole being falls apart.
when i'm with her, my world stops. time stops.
i can feel how i lose myself when i'm with her. Just as i can feel finding myself with her.
i look at her and smile because i know when i've fallen in love, it'll feel just as i feel now but more.
even now, i can feel bits and pieces falling for her.
it may not be love just yet, but i know where we're headed, it'll get there.

i so desperately want to get it right with her.
i told her i didn't want to lose the so many small moments that make me happy when i'm with her,
and with grace she replied "ok, well we just wont." as if she knew how things would turn up. the way she said it caught me off guard. the words she chose caught me off guard. they were so real and genuine. And simple. she tends to do that, say a lot through few words. i don't know how she does it, but she does.

valentine's day is coming up and i already know this one will be the best yet. not because we're doing the typical date thing, cause we're not, but because i know that every time i'm with her, its amazing. moments with her are lovely. Lovely, i rarely use that word. but i dont know how to better describe moments with her besides lovely.

she makes me feel something. she makes me feel everything.
is that how its supposed to be?
shes all i ever think about. shes so distracting even when im not with her.
i can sit in class and lecture can be interesting and somehow she manages to pop in my head which usually leads to me looking down because every time i think of her, a smile always finds its way on my face. she does that. make people smile. i dont know how, but she does.

i am so head over heals for this girl and its so terrifying.
everything about it is scary.
just writing this makes my heart beat faster.

although it might be terrifying, i'm still smiling as it happens because when im with her, my vision is clear.

its the way she laughs that gets me the most.
its the way she is, all of her, that gets me the most.



Jess.

Don't hold back.

So I tend to write about my "problems" and how they make me feel, but I thought I'd offer advice this time.

Don't ever hold back.

Don't hold back your emotions, fears, nothing. go after the things you want in life because people in this world will spend their entire lives telling you you can't do it and it's your job to stare back and say "watch me." 

If you find yourself stuck in a relationship that is nothing but toxic, don't hold back on what you really want. Get the hell out of the relationship and go find your happiness. Don't be too concerned on being "alone" because in reality we're kind of alone, but I don't believe being alone is a bad thing. It's better to find peace with yourself on your own terms than to find false happiness in someone you've convinced yourself makes you happy. Don't depend on other people to the point where it determines how you feel and when you feel. 

Allow yourself to feel every bit of emotion in you. It doesn't necessarily mean to show it in front of other, but it does mean not to hide it from yourself. Don't bury it, feel it. allow it to surface.

Don't hold back.

Find yourself someone who will recognize the scars, dimples, freckles, birthmarks on your body without you having to point them out.

Don't hold back.

Find yourself someone who can look at you and know what you're feeling even when you lie about it.

Don't hold back.

Find someone who isn't afraid to know all of you. And won't necessarily love the faults, but will accept and cherish them.

Don't hold back.

Find someone who encourages you to chase your dreams and won't let you change or give up any of them for anyone, especially them.

Don't hold back.

Be patient with yourself. Yes, you deserve to be loved, but the greatest love you can have is the love you have for yourself.

Just Don't hold back.

Yours Truly,
          Jess.

Just another typical story

The movie was one of the most typical movies I had ever seen.
The girl and the guy are from two separate worlds but fall in love anyway. Family intervenes, but the girl ends up with the guy at the end and they live happily ever after.

This ladies and gents is no other that The Notebook.

I have gone all my years without seeing this movie, I knew about it and have seen small clips of the movie but never actually sat down to watch the entire thing. I had no interest to do so.

But two nights ago I finally saw the whole movie.

The whole time I just kept thinking, this is so unrealistic. Maybe that's why girls usually like these movies.

Except me, or anyone like me, who are more interested in watching a movie with something real. where the guy doesn't get the girl. Where the mother dies and it doesn't turn a life a whole 360 but still shows appreciation. Movies where it isn't focused on just "love".

I saw this with her actually. The person I've been "talking" to. I don't like that term... talking. There should be something better than using that word. I mean I can't actually say we're talking cause we're taking things slow but I guess I mean talking in the way that our intentions are to develop something eventually... like maybe eight months from now.

Eight months sounds like a good time frame to then start asking "what are we?" right?

Eight months allows a person to get to know another person, and figure out the things we like and may not like. It allows people to really develop a connection. Not just one of those connections where they're physically attracted to one another so a month later or less start dating. And I am in no way trying to judge those who do go that route, but I always believed that a true friendship should be developed first before going anywhere past that.

This girl who I'm whatever with, thinks just like me. We both want to go slow and develop that friendship first.

I especially want to take my time because I want to get it right with her. I tell people that my last relationship took me hurting the other person in order to get stronger, but I don't want that to happen with this girl. This one is different. And I know a lot of people say that, they always point out how "different" the new person they like is, but not for me, I genuinely believe this girl is different.

I look at her and I just want to know everything about her. I want to know how she thinks, and feels. I want to remember the softness in her voice, and the faces she makes when she's confused, sad, happy, or upset. I want to know what she believes in, who she believes in. Or what makes her laugh, what makes her cry. I want to know if she believes in me. If she thinks about the things I think about.

Above all, as weird as it sounds, I want to know what her soul craves.

"break me again"

one of my favorite poets wrote: ""break me again" she said softly because she knew he was addicted to broken things." -R.M. Drake

this small poem or assertion or whatever you want to call it spoke to me in ways i cannot completely comprehend. like my last post, i always find myself fixing broken people, but what if this whole time i wasn't the one addicted to broken things, but rather addicted to being fixed. 

some of you might read this and totally relate, whether you're the one whispering or the one addicted, but some of you might just think its an interesting idea that someone could ever be in either one of these positions.

Lately, I've been a little confused on what I want or what I'm looking for. I met someone, someone I wouldn't typically find attraction to, but for some strange reason I have. The only problem is that I don't know how this person feels about me, and I totally understand that it's too early to talk about "what we are" and stuff, but I would like to know if we both have similar intentions, if not then I don't want to waste my time anymore.

you know how people always say something like "love is risky," or something along those lines. well I completely agree, but I'm also not willing to go after something that I know will not end up the way I want. I am so exhausted from wanting something that I know I deserve and still not getting. I'm patient enough to wait and not be too hasty. I can't be too hasty, not if I want to find a love that is real.

That's what anyone wants really, something that's real. Someone that's real. I guess you could say that everyone is real, but I don't believe that you can have a real connection with everyone you meet. I like to think that if we could then we could find love everywhere we went. But again what would be the point to finding love and someone who understands us if there's a connection with everyone. And to an extent we have connections with everyone we interact with, but when I say connection, I mean a connection that you can't have with just anyone.

I have to trust that we yearn for something so fragile we have to treasure it with everything we have, and we can't protect it because nothing can protect it. It's inevitable.

so maybe that's what R.M.Drake meant, to break the connection that was so fragile so that we can learn to treasure it. Or maybe we treasure only something that is broken because we build connections on broken things, it sounds odd but the way I see it, we just use those broken pieces to fill in the parts that we don't have.  

simple thoughts

you know, it's kind of exhausting fixing people.
for those of you who know what i mean will agree, but for those who are still not clear as to what i mean, allow me to clarify.
i find myself being attracted to people that need fixing and i guess that is because i probably need a little fixing myself. it's kind of that mind set that fixing someone who help myself too but i am so over it.
i want to meet someone who doesnt need to be fixed so that i can finally learn to fix myself. i dont think im broken or anything but i am tired.
i just want to find someone who can make me laugh, and not make me feel like i have to impress them. i actually might be beginning to find that, but i guess time will tell.

for those of you who read my posts, thankyou. this post was just a small thought that i just needed to put out into the world but hidden so that only some people will find.

expect more posts throughout the 2017 year, i am changing my ways starting this year and hope to stay constant with them.

thankyou readers,

jess.