what gets me the most

its the way she laughs that gets me the most.
is it possible to fall in love with someone through the sound of their voice?
she smiles and my whole being falls apart.
when i'm with her, my world stops. time stops.
i can feel how i lose myself when i'm with her. Just as i can feel finding myself with her.
i look at her and smile because i know when i've fallen in love, it'll feel just as i feel now but more.
even now, i can feel bits and pieces falling for her.
it may not be love just yet, but i know where we're headed, it'll get there.

i so desperately want to get it right with her.
i told her i didn't want to lose the so many small moments that make me happy when i'm with her,
and with grace she replied "ok, well we just wont." as if she knew how things would turn up. the way she said it caught me off guard. the words she chose caught me off guard. they were so real and genuine. And simple. she tends to do that, say a lot through few words. i don't know how she does it, but she does.

valentine's day is coming up and i already know this one will be the best yet. not because we're doing the typical date thing, cause we're not, but because i know that every time i'm with her, its amazing. moments with her are lovely. Lovely, i rarely use that word. but i dont know how to better describe moments with her besides lovely.

she makes me feel something. she makes me feel everything.
is that how its supposed to be?
shes all i ever think about. shes so distracting even when im not with her.
i can sit in class and lecture can be interesting and somehow she manages to pop in my head which usually leads to me looking down because every time i think of her, a smile always finds its way on my face. she does that. make people smile. i dont know how, but she does.

i am so head over heals for this girl and its so terrifying.
everything about it is scary.
just writing this makes my heart beat faster.

although it might be terrifying, i'm still smiling as it happens because when im with her, my vision is clear.

its the way she laughs that gets me the most.
its the way she is, all of her, that gets me the most.



Jess.

Don't hold back.

So I tend to write about my "problems" and how they make me feel, but I thought I'd offer advice this time.

Don't ever hold back.

Don't hold back your emotions, fears, nothing. go after the things you want in life because people in this world will spend their entire lives telling you you can't do it and it's your job to stare back and say "watch me." 

If you find yourself stuck in a relationship that is nothing but toxic, don't hold back on what you really want. Get the hell out of the relationship and go find your happiness. Don't be too concerned on being "alone" because in reality we're kind of alone, but I don't believe being alone is a bad thing. It's better to find peace with yourself on your own terms than to find false happiness in someone you've convinced yourself makes you happy. Don't depend on other people to the point where it determines how you feel and when you feel. 

Allow yourself to feel every bit of emotion in you. It doesn't necessarily mean to show it in front of other, but it does mean not to hide it from yourself. Don't bury it, feel it. allow it to surface.

Don't hold back.

Find yourself someone who will recognize the scars, dimples, freckles, birthmarks on your body without you having to point them out.

Don't hold back.

Find yourself someone who can look at you and know what you're feeling even when you lie about it.

Don't hold back.

Find someone who isn't afraid to know all of you. And won't necessarily love the faults, but will accept and cherish them.

Don't hold back.

Find someone who encourages you to chase your dreams and won't let you change or give up any of them for anyone, especially them.

Don't hold back.

Be patient with yourself. Yes, you deserve to be loved, but the greatest love you can have is the love you have for yourself.

Just Don't hold back.

Yours Truly,
          Jess.

Just another typical story

The movie was one of the most typical movies I had ever seen.
The girl and the guy are from two separate worlds but fall in love anyway. Family intervenes, but the girl ends up with the guy at the end and they live happily ever after.

This ladies and gents is no other that The Notebook.

I have gone all my years without seeing this movie, I knew about it and have seen small clips of the movie but never actually sat down to watch the entire thing. I had no interest to do so.

But two nights ago I finally saw the whole movie.

The whole time I just kept thinking, this is so unrealistic. Maybe that's why girls usually like these movies.

Except me, or anyone like me, who are more interested in watching a movie with something real. where the guy doesn't get the girl. Where the mother dies and it doesn't turn a life a whole 360 but still shows appreciation. Movies where it isn't focused on just "love".

I saw this with her actually. The person I've been "talking" to. I don't like that term... talking. There should be something better than using that word. I mean I can't actually say we're talking cause we're taking things slow but I guess I mean talking in the way that our intentions are to develop something eventually... like maybe eight months from now.

Eight months sounds like a good time frame to then start asking "what are we?" right?

Eight months allows a person to get to know another person, and figure out the things we like and may not like. It allows people to really develop a connection. Not just one of those connections where they're physically attracted to one another so a month later or less start dating. And I am in no way trying to judge those who do go that route, but I always believed that a true friendship should be developed first before going anywhere past that.

This girl who I'm whatever with, thinks just like me. We both want to go slow and develop that friendship first.

I especially want to take my time because I want to get it right with her. I tell people that my last relationship took me hurting the other person in order to get stronger, but I don't want that to happen with this girl. This one is different. And I know a lot of people say that, they always point out how "different" the new person they like is, but not for me, I genuinely believe this girl is different.

I look at her and I just want to know everything about her. I want to know how she thinks, and feels. I want to remember the softness in her voice, and the faces she makes when she's confused, sad, happy, or upset. I want to know what she believes in, who she believes in. Or what makes her laugh, what makes her cry. I want to know if she believes in me. If she thinks about the things I think about.

Above all, as weird as it sounds, I want to know what her soul craves.