the real thing

so recently i have experienced true closure with my past relationship.
i have come to realize that i am so happy having the amazing opportunity to love a woman so wonderful. i wish i could continue to show her that love, but sadly she is in a different place in her life right now and thats okay. i know that i am capable of loving someone again, maybe more than i love my ex. see, thats another thing, i thought it sucked to have broken up so nicely because i had no reason to "hate" my ex but now i am glad i dont have to go through that. i am at the point in my life to know that i still want my ex in my life but not to date, but to simply have as a friend. because that will never change. my ex will always have a special place in my heart but solely as a best friend because that is what she is. she is my best friend. shes understood me like no one else has, and although i have new best friends now, she will never lose her place in my heart. i hope one day she wont be afraid to text me when she needs help with an issue or maybe when she just wants to talk. i hope one day i'll be able to meet that other person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. i hope when the day comes, i can be there on her wedding day as a best friend and meet her beautiful kids that i know she'll have one day. i dont want to miss out on any of those moments because it may not have been as i once pictured it but it can be better. and maybe she and i werent meant to be and thats okay. but i know it in my heart that she is meant to be a constant thing in my life. whether she decided to take this extra step is up to her, but i know i am ready.

plus, i may never really know what will happen in the end. it could be that she changes again and decides she can love God and love me at the same time. cause you see, thats why we cant be together. she was raised to believe that it is not okay with God to be gay. and i am not upset about that. i have always told her if she ever felt herself pulling away from God, to tell me and we'd fix it at any means necessary.

and i know that she will continue to change and evolve as a human being in these next few years because i did too. she is still in a stage in her life where she has yet to experience the things that i have. and that may be because i am a year older but i know she will very soon go through it all.

this past year has taught be something interesting, because in the college life you really go through pretty much everything but only if you let yourself experience it. and my suggestion is to allow yourself to because you find things out about yourself you didnt know before. for example, i used to think i was sinning everytime i was with my ex but college has taught be that our first thoughts/beliefs are what we were raised to believe and the second thought is what we decide for ourselves. what i mean is that a part of me believes i should ignore the part of me that likes girls and stick to the other part of me that likes boys. but the other part of me believes that God wants me to love unconditionally. He wants me to love others as though i was loving Him. because thats what it truly means to live through God. its not about following these set of rules, but living in faith through him and showing the world that a love for him conquers all. i think thats why he wants us to love our enemies too because theyre too busy hating the world around them.

I believe My God wants me to fall in love with a person's soul/spirit and not focus on gender.
and i never know, maybe my ex/best friend will learn that too, but all in due time. not everyone learns the same lessons and that is okay too.

so dear ex,
you will no longer be known as an ex but as a friend, one of my best friends.

love always,

                     Jess.