God's Will

so where do i even begin?
i feel good, in fact i feel great.
i am so ready to move on, but i dont think i want to just yet.
i know who i am and i know who i want. i love a girl i barely know but i can feel it in my soul that we will be given a window of opportunity to be together.

this summer, i have let go of all hate, distrust, and anything remotely the opposite of what love is. ive embraced just letting go. it feels amazing i might add.

i pray more, i really do. ive rebuilt my relationship with God and its a strong one.

i go to church more, i ask more questions, ive let God take control of my life.

lately, i think its payed off. he has sent me so many signs of where to take my heart, and i wasnt even looking for those answers but he sent them anyway.

he says she'll come to me. he says she'll know when she lets go of judgement. he says she'll know when she stops lying and accepts herself just enough to love herself. he told me that he refused it before for my own sake, not hers.

ive learned we must live with our choices no matter the reactions that may appear, that if we stay true to who we are that nothing can hurt. and nothing can hurt because what could hurt more than giving up a part of yourself to please others?

and even after God's own will guiding me to this outcome, i am still not gonna do anything about her. why? because i owe it to myself to be wanted. i have self respect. i am not damaged.

i deserve to be seen as faithful. i deserve to be seen as extraordinarily breathtaking. i deserve to be fought for. i deserve to be defended. i deserve someone who accepts their own insecurities and is faithful to themselves to what they deserve. i deserve someone who doesnt just walk away when things get complicated.

i dont deserve to be labeled a cheater when i am not one. i dont deserve to be labeled a beggar when i am not one.i dont deserve to be pitied when i do not need it. i dont deserve to denied love when i have earned it.

i deserve to be thought about more than once a day. i deserve to chosen.
so i choose myself.

this is not me needing someone cause i do not. this is not me reaching out to someone cause i am not. this is not me caring about what your best friend thinks. this is not me caring about what you think. this is not me because i am happy. i am confident. i am loved by an amazing God. i am loyal. i am faithful. i am strong. i am beautiful. i am brilliant.


jess