Life’s just great

I can’t breathe.
I’m.. out of words
I think I’d rather die

Always been you.

So much has changed in the last four months. So much.
From family, to personal health, down to a moment of a boy who should’ve asked before acting.

I am different. Understandably so.
Yet through it all, it is the thought of you that pulls me through.
I will not beg. I will not even ask because I know my answer.
But if you ever find your way back to me, I will be here.
Because it has always been you. Every tear. Every smile. Every thought. And every poem.
It’s always been you.

It is not hope you come back that I hold on to. It’s not hope at all.
It is just a decision. A decision that I will not settle for anything less than the greatest love I can have.
You are that greatest love.

My mind is different. I am different.
I no longer contemplate over the things I have no control. I no longer care for the amount of smiles I receive in a day. I no longer care because I am okay with being alone.

I no longer depend my emotions on someone or something else.
I choose how I want to feel.

If you ever come back, know that I am different. I cannot say if it is for the better or for worse. That decision would be yours to make.

Either way, know that it has always be you. And it will always be you.

All is not lost

I look at her and it’s so breath taking. Her smile, her laugh. It all slowly kills me cause I can’t breathe. Every thought I hold escapes me. I see her and I’m lost. It’s all so new and so good. I never thought this feeling would find itself back to me, but here it is. And the overwhelming excitement feels good. Her heart is so full. And every look I steal, I fall further and deeper. It’s a great escape from the world I’ve created for myself. I still feel broken, but she gives me the one thing I haven’t had for so long I barely recognize... hope.

Thunderstorm

Your soul like a thunderstorm, holding so much beauty and destruction. Where there is one, you will find the other. So brilliantly falling, feeding nature’s world and drowning its people. I take one look at your lightning and I’m struck. Frozen, unable to move. My heart’s beating, spilling every secret into you. I finally tilt my head back to look at you and smile. Because your destruction is forgotten, and all I see is you.

Freedom forced

I am a blade showing you your reflection as you cut deep. A reminder on your skin of the memories you carry. Your tears fall like the rain that doesn’t seem to pass. I feel your warm body go cold as I cause you pain with a stroke.  At the end, you close your eyes and tilt back in a tub of running water where your blood lingers and drips down to your fingertips. You are safe now. You are home. You are free.

10-03-18.

Unstable, leaning on a crutch to hold me up. All the noise I’m surrounded by gets louder, I can’t focus. It's all too much. Sweet sounds whispering in my ears to fight off the white noise I’m suffocating in. Dependent on a wire, in a world where we are run by a screen. I try to breathe like I’m supposed to know how, but I’ve been raised by the hand that cupped my mouth to hold my breath. Instability is at all angles, and I’m not the only one. 

Someone new

Like a small light in a room of darkness,

She radiates. Brightly. I’m blinded at her rays. She illuminates.Her spirit so full and mind so brilliant. I can feel her smile from a screen, so deep. So real. I need to know more about her. I need to know everything. Because I know behind that smile, there’s more. There’s sadness behind her glory eyes. She carries the sun set in them, with a moon like soul. She’s different and I don’t even know her.

22

I’ve been in this world for an official 22 years. That’s 8,030 days of a whole lot of laughter and whole lot more of tears. I’ve experienced things that have made me who I aim. The circumstances I was raised in shaped who I wanted to be. And if there’s anything I have learned so far in this world, it’s to take things day by day when things are rough. And no matter who broke your heart or your spirit or soul, know that the choice is entirely yours. The choice on “what next?”. You may have been placed in positions you didn’t ask for or encounter but the choice after that is always yours. No matter what you’re told or what you think. And that’s the biggest thing I have learned. We always have a choice. And the hard ones to make are the ones you’ll always remember. Our choices shape us. They mold us into the human beings we are. So don’t ever lose hope in whatever you believe in. And always remember you have a choice, so don’t let another person tell you what to do. Stand up for yourself at all times because no one else will. Fight for what you want. And fight for what you believe. This is your life. And no one should take away how you want to live it.

09-28-2018.

I look for your name. Every time I scroll the bright little screen in front of me, I search for you. Perhaps finding a bit of hope left, strong enough to even connect me to you. Enough to believe you couldn’t walk away as easily as I feel you did. And perhaps I’ve find this hope and I search for you to confirm this hope isn’t hopeless. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to find or see. And the truth is, you owe me nothing. You walked away and you held every right to. So you owe me nothing. But why do I keep convincing myself that you do. Maybe it’s to prove to me I’m able to be loved enough not be forgotten about. And just as you owe me nothing, neither do I. I owe you absolutely nothing, and yet.. here I am waiting. Waiting for you to reach out. Waiting to find a sign. Searching where I already know I can’t find within you. I know all the answers I want are inside of me, so why do I search your name like something has changed?

09-23-18

We deserve to move forward without thinking about all the things we did wrong when we’re the ones who got broken hearted. The truth is, there are things we could’ve done differently, but they could’ve too. And maybe they think about the same thing, and maybe they don’t. Maybe they’re living their life freely with no hesitation. And we have to be okay with that. We have to be okay with the fact that maybe they were better off without us. There are so many things we think and feel that they don’t because of the side we stand on. They never lost the power of a choice. Because they chose this. We’re stuck paying a price we didn’t ask for. And that’s what sucks. And even though we know we deserve to move forward, we feel stuck like this no matter what. 

09-18-18

After everything I have given you and will never get back, I know we loved right because I still believe in love while I’m standing here broken hearted.

09-04-18

I fell in love with the sound of her voice and the way her laugh could make a whole room turn. It’s the same sound that’s slowly crushing me, dragging me into the ocean I once swam in. I’m drowning. 

truth is a deception

why do people lie to themselves and others?

I've seen so many people get hurt because they either lie or get lied to.
I am truly a witness to it all.
they have no idea that I know
I don't say anything, I just observe
and its crazy to know that just by observing the right things at the right time, the truth is revealed.

I learned that truth itself is all based off of the interpretation we tell ourselves we believe.
like the girl who tells everyone she's done nothing wrong but the other person has.
in reality, I have witnessed this "innocent" girl hurt the same person over and over, while she tells the rest of the world something else.
but I'm sure others like me know the truth, its impossible to be the only one.
And as much as she is not innocent, neither is the other. both have been distrusting, and uncourageous.

the worst part of it all, are the lies they tell themselves. and in result, they pray. they don't pray for the strength they need, they pray for miracles that wont be given.

day in and day out, I am a witness to these crimes.
day in and day out, I am a victim of these crimes.
And day in and day out, I am the cause of these crimes.

we are all to blame.