a breathless sensation

have you ever held your breath under water until you couldn't any longer?
have you ever done it so slowly that you take in how calm everything is. you open your eyes and everything looks so clear, the feeling that if you could, you'd stay there. but then you get to the point where you need to breathe, and you do your best to stay under as long as your body will allow you to, and your chest starts to tighten up and the under water feeling that was so calm suddenly disappears. so you kick your feet to come back up and the first thing you do is take a big breath of air. oxygen never felt so good. but most of the time, i find myself debating whether to come up for that air. it only takes one second to debate but its the longest second of my life. Most people don't think about staying under water past breaking point but i do. i do because in that split second i think about everything that i hate about my life. it all sounds so morbid, but i can guarantee im not the only one whos done this. most of you never stop to consider if you have and im sure theres a handful of people who would figure out that theyre just like me. thats all okay though, its okay to have these moments because when i come up for that air, i realize i love my life. i love all the struggles and misery that i may have because i know they dont out weigh all the wonderful things i have.

quiet space, quiet mind

so i meditated for the first time yesterday, given it was only for five minutes but nonetheless it was peaceful. get this, it was actually in one of my classes. we're required to read a book that tells us how to basically make our life better, and i most definitely did not read it. i read the first couple of pages then told myself hell-to-the-no, i was too into the book i was currently reading so hopefully that justifies why i denied myself a way of being happier.
so we're all sitting in our seats, lights off, with just the window light showing. everyone gets quiet as they try to get in their meditating zone, i on the other hand take my time to observe all the things around me at first. i try to notice every little thing so that i can picture it in my mind. i notice the way the kid near me swings their feet, the heavy breathing, i see the trees moving in the wind, and i see the clock tick. i close my eyes and focus on everything i can notice about myself. i feel the breaths of air i take in, filling up my whole chest and body, as i hold my breath i notice my heart beating. the beats getting slower and slower, then i release. i release the huge breath of air so slowly I begin to count. eight counts in, eight counts out. one. i start to think of how my academic year is full of Bs, literally all Bs. two. i think about my best friend in Dallas who hasn't made the time to talk to me. three. i remind myself of another challenging academic semester in the spring. four. i tell myself i need to find a way to show a professor that nominating me for the black and gold society is the right thing. five. i think of all the reasons i haven't found love. six. i remember of the divorce my parents are planning to have after twenty-some years of marriage. seven. i'm reminded of my mother being alone with a sickness and how she'll ever manage without my help. eight. i'm overwhelmed by everything and anything. release. eight. i just picked up my quiz average to an A. seven. next semester is a fresh start. six. my mother is strong woman and can handle anything. five. i have a best friend who is the definition of sunshine even if she denies it. four. i have an amazing God who loves me. three. love is patient. two. my parents love me no matter what happens. one. i forget everything and anything. the voices in my head have gone quiet. the quiet room becomes the quiet room in my head. its all just so quiet, i swear i can hear the wind brushing the leaves outsides. i can hear the silence. its all just peaceful and my mind is clear. *beep*beep*beep* timer goes off and my five minutes are up and for just a couple of seconds after do i remain at peace, but then it all starts rolling in again.

chapters

i don't really know where to begin...
i haven't written in a long time so the update is real. for starters, I'm finding myself more and more at a simplistic state of mind. exams every week, deadlines to meet, jobs asking for more, i don't know if i ever give myself time to just breathe or think about it all. i guess i don't want to, if i do then i think i'll just want to give up. i do that a lot, just give up like its nothing, i don't know, it kinda just happens. at this point, I'm taking it all day by day, step by step. my friends don't really know whats going on in my head, i love of them, but they don't get it, and they never will. thats okay with me. they don't need to understand. i don't want them to understand. another chapter is coming to an end in my life and its a big thing for me, deals with my family, a broken family becoming permanently broken. its all just finally turning over and its kinda relieving for me, i've been going through the brokenness my whole life and to know it might all finally come to end is little relaxing. not an end to the brokenness exactly, but an end to the breaking continuing.
but thats just the way my life has come to, the ending of chapters and tearing out pages.