"I'm okay, I promise"

have you ever felt pain?

like emotional pain. so much of it that it physically hurts.

well I have. I feel it every day. sometimes, I can escape it with distractions like friends, soccer, or even school. But it gets harder and harder everyday.

If I'm being honest, it has gotten to the point where I feel nothing. I literally feel no pain, no emotion, nothing.. now doesn't that sound.. depressing?

Depressed. I hate that word. I don't like what it is.

I think I've been depressed my whole life, but with different reasons over the years. If I had to describe the feeling, it would be like writer's block. have you ever had that? like you're so ready to write, but there's like nothing going on in your head, you've drawn a blank space. well that's sorta how it is.

confession? I've even gone through certain lengths to try and feel something.
I've tried telling myself I liked someone, but really didn't. I tried placing cuts on the wrist, but nothing. It was weird, it was like I could see the blood, but I couldn't feel the sharp pain. In the none psychotic way, it made me laugh. I laughed because I was so confused on what the hell was going on with me.

As a kid, I was taught that feelings and everything that comes with it are weakness.
sadness- weak.
joy- weak.
Love- weak.
pain- weak.
tears- weak.

I bet my dad didn't know it at the time, but he was raising a robot.
It's sad really, to think about having no emotion. well at least I think it's sad.

alright this is too much stuff for y'all to understand in one night. Maybe I'll share more with y'all some other time.




Jess.

Cough Syrup

hey guys,
i hope yall are doing great. i am unexpectedly doing fantastic. i'm getting ready for the night to spend with people who can make me smile and laugh and forget about the bad stuff for the night.
for the first time, i feel good. i dont feel sad and i dont feel happy but i feel good. good enough to keep pushing myself through the pain.

i hope the people that say "things get better" are right because thats what im holding onto right now.

update: earlier today ive seen so many attractive people who are sadly out of my league..

but i see it as a positive because it means im actually paying attention to the people around me instead of ignoring everyone.

maybe tonight will be my lucky night and i'll meet someone. someone that fate pushed me towards.

heres to fate, goodnight yall!



Jess.

Someday

someday i will accomplish all the things i wish to do in life.

someday i will become a US Marine.

someday i will become a lawyer.

someday i will marry someone.

someday i will have kids.

someday i will change the world.

And someday i will save the world.

                   ...

One day, i will wake up from bed and say "I have accomplished all i wish to do." then i'll smile and begin again.

you may think, what else could i do? well there's a lot.
i don't want to ever stop wishing for something.
I will dare to dream.
and I will dare to conquer them

one by one, i'll scratch things off my bucket list and one by one i'll add more.

so readers, i suggest you do the same.
dont ever settle in life. even if things seem hard to do, just take it all one step at a time. and between you and me, i have this friend who inspires me practically everyday. she doesn't even know, but one day I know she will change the world.

And I know this is random and not like my usual stuff, but the way I see it is, this blog should be about anything and everything. and as i write about the little things in my complicated life, i hope you can relate this stuff somehow to your lives too. Don't ever think you're alone, because there is always someone out there who is going through the same thing.

Readers, be the best human being you can be. Redefine what people think of you. Dare to challenge the world.

January 21, 2016

Today is January 21, 2016. which means it is my anniversary, well at least it would be. today would mark 2 years with my ex and honestly i do not know how i feel about it. 

its all bitter sweet. i remember the good times i spent with her. i remember spending most of my days laughing with her, adoring her amazing smile, and thinking how i was the luckiest person in the world for having her. 

now, today is turning into just another normal day. well at least it started off that way. i hope things get easier over the years, because anything worse than the feeling i have right now i will not be able to handle it.

But, if i could tell anything to my ex right now i would still say "I love you," but i would also say that i dont need you. 

   

                            "dear ex,

                 i still love you, but i dont need you. i am okay and i hope you are too. today has been rough and maybe thats because a part of me will always feel the hurt and maybe that will never go away, but i think im okay with that. i think its okay to hurt, its the day i wake up and things dont hurt is when maybe i can finally move on. but for now, im just going to focus on myself and i hope you will too. 

               i hope you find what you're looking for, and i am sorry i couldn't give you what you needed.

                                                  love,

                                                            Jess. "

here's to hoping i can make it through the night, goodnight reader. wish me luck.

Hello 2016

you know, before, I actually thought I knew what I wanted but it turns out that I don't.

I don't know what I want. All I know is that I want something meaningful in my life and if it's not my time to find someone yet, then I can wait.

I'm done searching for someone, and maybe I already had my soulmate but things change and so do people.

Before, it used to bother me to see my past love agreeing to those posts about looking for the right person and all the sappy stuff because I felt like she was lying to herself because she already had all that and she let it go. But I'm beginning to think that maybe she didn't have that with me, and that's okay. it just means that there has to be someone out there worthy of my love.

I now understand that I am worthy of love, and my love to give is worthy too. so i'm saying goodbye to who I used to be and learning to appreciate the new person I am becoming but not yet have become.

I am ready for a change.

As Loud as Silence

Alright guys, this is one i wrote a couple of months ago...

traveling in a crowded bus
everyone talking
everyone eating
some sleeping
some just thinking.

i look around and see so many faces
i look around and see so many faces i dont recognize
faces i just dont know.

friends talking to friends
i sit in noise
i sit in silence
learning to tune out the insignificance
learning to tune out the meaningless

in reality who do i even have besides myself
i am my own friend
i am my own best friend

i smile to so many people
i put in the effort but no one budges
its almost as if they told eachother not to socialize with me
as they barely even acknowledge me, i slowly fade back into my seat.
i slowly fade back into my seat and just stare out the window
i slowly fade back into my seat and just pretend to want to be alone.

arriving to dinner who will i sit beside
everyone has someone
everyone but me
i have no one
they all have me if they need me but i still have no one.

and as i sat at the dinner table
the faces begin to smile
not knowing where to sit at first
because everyone had a seat plus one
and as i stood there scared to make a move and be rejected
a smiling face makes its way through the crowd

finally a friendly face
atleast a friendly face for the mean time

people change.
people always change
change their mind
change a choice
it all changes
its only a matter of time until this friendly face blends into the crowd

back on the bus and the noise begins again
its all white noise
but now i know
now i know not to engage into the conversations
now i know to go straight into my seat and sink
sink into my seat
sink into the screen infront of me

plugging myself in
creating my own little world for the night
creating my own little escape for the night
and as the music is blasting through my ears
the lyrics become clear
the message becomes clear

because life is too short to even care at all
this cough syrup is found
now its all down to a choice
take one more spoon full
or throw it down the drain
...

I LOVED.

Within the last two years of my high school career, I fell in love. 

So yes, my story continues.

Long story short?  I fell in love with a girl, broke her heart, mended it, and then she broke mine. Sounds awful doesn't it? To tell you the truth, it was wonderful. It was amazing to have loved and been loved so beautifully. So many people wish they could experience something so powerful, but many never do. I was lucky enough to be a part of the few who do.

The movies never get it right, everything is always so predictable. Writers never understand that the perfect love movie is the one behind the scenes. Love is like.. Love is like the stars in the sky you see at night. The way they're scattered everywhere so randomly, but it still makes so much sense. 

Love is like knowing that she takes her coffee with two creams and no sugar. Or how sometimes she just needs some hot chai tea to make her feel better. Love is turning to one another for strength when all you feel is weak. Love is learning to love the 5-year-old side of her and appreciating the silliness. 

Love is giving up the love of your life so that she may grow and learn to love herself as much as you love her.

Love is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to wait outside the door until she's ready to walk in with you.

Love is sacrificing your own heart so that she may keep hers together.

...

Jess.

nowhere to run

I don't really know how any of this actually works, but here it goes.

so all my life i have struggled with who i am and where i belong. i didn't know it at the time, but i would soon figure out i wasn't like normal girls. like any "normal" little girl, i would have those elementary crushes on the average cute boys. and just like any "normal" girl, whenever i went to see a movie i would glare at the muscular man saving the woman of his dreams. but what i never thought would happen was that not only did i find myself starring at the handsome man, but also the very attractive women. The thoughts were always there as a kid, i just didn't know what to call it at the time. And for those of you who think that it is impossible for a child to know they are not straight at a young age are wrong. of course it is not the same for everyone, but for me, i have always known the truth. 

as i fast forward to my middle school years, everything became a lot more clear to me. i had met a girl who became my best friend and who was also dating another girl. once i learned the truth about myself, it was like the world finally became what was once all a complete blur. i had learned that i had not only liked boys, but i also liked girls. After i realized who i was, i tried to hide for a while because where i grew up, it was against all my family's beliefs. it was wrong to be anything but straight. it was wrong to be who i was. within the same year, my parents found out and went crazy. my dad was yelling at me, telling me the "devil" was placing poison in my head. he tried preaching that God says it is not okay to be gay. and that was the year it all began. 

           My life had changed for the better or worse, but all i knew was that i was in for the longest roller coaster ride of my life. i knew there was no going back. i hadn't realized that the ride would be so lonely. i began to get depressed and self-harm. it was like i woke everyday to a nightmare that would never end. of course i had friends who accepted me, but i knew they would never understand what i was going through. it's a sad place where i ended up. to feel like there was nothing good for me in the world, that i was a mistake, that God did not love me. 

what's worse is battling it all on my own. crying myself to sleep every night, praying to God just to take my life away, because i thought i didn't deserve it. everyday was hell, and i wasn't even dead yet.

          now i understand that life is precious, but it has taken me a long time to realize that and i still wake up every day and fight the same fight. i hope to those reading this, you will continue to read the rest of my story as i tell it piece by piece. 

Head up, Heart Full

      Jess

welcome readers

If you're reading this then you must have clicked on my link or somehow stumbled upon this, nonetheless.. welcome to my world.

my name is Jess and this is to say the least, the story of my life. I may be the only one who reads this, but in case there's someone out there reading, I hope you find any of this helpful, or intriguing.