so all my life i have struggled with who i am and where i belong. i didn't know it at the time, but i would soon figure out i wasn't like normal girls. like any "normal" little girl, i would have those elementary crushes on the average cute boys. and just like any "normal" girl, whenever i went to see a movie i would glare at the muscular man saving the woman of his dreams. but what i never thought would happen was that not only did i find myself starring at the handsome man, but also the very attractive women. The thoughts were always there as a kid, i just didn't know what to call it at the time. And for those of you who think that it is impossible for a child to know they are not straight at a young age are wrong. of course it is not the same for everyone, but for me, i have always known the truth.
as i fast forward to my middle school years, everything became a lot more clear to me. i had met a girl who became my best friend and who was also dating another girl. once i learned the truth about myself, it was like the world finally became what was once all a complete blur. i had learned that i had not only liked boys, but i also liked girls. After i realized who i was, i tried to hide for a while because where i grew up, it was against all my family's beliefs. it was wrong to be anything but straight. it was wrong to be who i was. within the same year, my parents found out and went crazy. my dad was yelling at me, telling me the "devil" was placing poison in my head. he tried preaching that God says it is not okay to be gay. and that was the year it all began.
My life had changed for the better or worse, but all i knew was that i was in for the longest roller coaster ride of my life. i knew there was no going back. i hadn't realized that the ride would be so lonely. i began to get depressed and self-harm. it was like i woke everyday to a nightmare that would never end. of course i had friends who accepted me, but i knew they would never understand what i was going through. it's a sad place where i ended up. to feel like there was nothing good for me in the world, that i was a mistake, that God did not love me.
what's worse is battling it all on my own. crying myself to sleep every night, praying to God just to take my life away, because i thought i didn't deserve it. everyday was hell, and i wasn't even dead yet.
now i understand that life is precious, but it has taken me a long time to realize that and i still wake up every day and fight the same fight. i hope to those reading this, you will continue to read the rest of my story as i tell it piece by piece.
Head up, Heart Full
Jess
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