have you ever felt pain?
like emotional pain. so much of it that it physically hurts.
well I have. I feel it every day. sometimes, I can escape it with distractions like friends, soccer, or even school. But it gets harder and harder everyday.
If I'm being honest, it has gotten to the point where I feel nothing. I literally feel no pain, no emotion, nothing.. now doesn't that sound.. depressing?
Depressed. I hate that word. I don't like what it is.
I think I've been depressed my whole life, but with different reasons over the years. If I had to describe the feeling, it would be like writer's block. have you ever had that? like you're so ready to write, but there's like nothing going on in your head, you've drawn a blank space. well that's sorta how it is.
confession? I've even gone through certain lengths to try and feel something.
I've tried telling myself I liked someone, but really didn't. I tried placing cuts on the wrist, but nothing. It was weird, it was like I could see the blood, but I couldn't feel the sharp pain. In the none psychotic way, it made me laugh. I laughed because I was so confused on what the hell was going on with me.
As a kid, I was taught that feelings and everything that comes with it are weakness.
sadness- weak.
joy- weak.
Love- weak.
pain- weak.
tears- weak.
I bet my dad didn't know it at the time, but he was raising a robot.
It's sad really, to think about having no emotion. well at least I think it's sad.
alright this is too much stuff for y'all to understand in one night. Maybe I'll share more with y'all some other time.
Jess.
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