a breathless sensation

have you ever held your breath under water until you couldn't any longer?
have you ever done it so slowly that you take in how calm everything is. you open your eyes and everything looks so clear, the feeling that if you could, you'd stay there. but then you get to the point where you need to breathe, and you do your best to stay under as long as your body will allow you to, and your chest starts to tighten up and the under water feeling that was so calm suddenly disappears. so you kick your feet to come back up and the first thing you do is take a big breath of air. oxygen never felt so good. but most of the time, i find myself debating whether to come up for that air. it only takes one second to debate but its the longest second of my life. Most people don't think about staying under water past breaking point but i do. i do because in that split second i think about everything that i hate about my life. it all sounds so morbid, but i can guarantee im not the only one whos done this. most of you never stop to consider if you have and im sure theres a handful of people who would figure out that theyre just like me. thats all okay though, its okay to have these moments because when i come up for that air, i realize i love my life. i love all the struggles and misery that i may have because i know they dont out weigh all the wonderful things i have.

quiet space, quiet mind

so i meditated for the first time yesterday, given it was only for five minutes but nonetheless it was peaceful. get this, it was actually in one of my classes. we're required to read a book that tells us how to basically make our life better, and i most definitely did not read it. i read the first couple of pages then told myself hell-to-the-no, i was too into the book i was currently reading so hopefully that justifies why i denied myself a way of being happier.
so we're all sitting in our seats, lights off, with just the window light showing. everyone gets quiet as they try to get in their meditating zone, i on the other hand take my time to observe all the things around me at first. i try to notice every little thing so that i can picture it in my mind. i notice the way the kid near me swings their feet, the heavy breathing, i see the trees moving in the wind, and i see the clock tick. i close my eyes and focus on everything i can notice about myself. i feel the breaths of air i take in, filling up my whole chest and body, as i hold my breath i notice my heart beating. the beats getting slower and slower, then i release. i release the huge breath of air so slowly I begin to count. eight counts in, eight counts out. one. i start to think of how my academic year is full of Bs, literally all Bs. two. i think about my best friend in Dallas who hasn't made the time to talk to me. three. i remind myself of another challenging academic semester in the spring. four. i tell myself i need to find a way to show a professor that nominating me for the black and gold society is the right thing. five. i think of all the reasons i haven't found love. six. i remember of the divorce my parents are planning to have after twenty-some years of marriage. seven. i'm reminded of my mother being alone with a sickness and how she'll ever manage without my help. eight. i'm overwhelmed by everything and anything. release. eight. i just picked up my quiz average to an A. seven. next semester is a fresh start. six. my mother is strong woman and can handle anything. five. i have a best friend who is the definition of sunshine even if she denies it. four. i have an amazing God who loves me. three. love is patient. two. my parents love me no matter what happens. one. i forget everything and anything. the voices in my head have gone quiet. the quiet room becomes the quiet room in my head. its all just so quiet, i swear i can hear the wind brushing the leaves outsides. i can hear the silence. its all just peaceful and my mind is clear. *beep*beep*beep* timer goes off and my five minutes are up and for just a couple of seconds after do i remain at peace, but then it all starts rolling in again.

chapters

i don't really know where to begin...
i haven't written in a long time so the update is real. for starters, I'm finding myself more and more at a simplistic state of mind. exams every week, deadlines to meet, jobs asking for more, i don't know if i ever give myself time to just breathe or think about it all. i guess i don't want to, if i do then i think i'll just want to give up. i do that a lot, just give up like its nothing, i don't know, it kinda just happens. at this point, I'm taking it all day by day, step by step. my friends don't really know whats going on in my head, i love of them, but they don't get it, and they never will. thats okay with me. they don't need to understand. i don't want them to understand. another chapter is coming to an end in my life and its a big thing for me, deals with my family, a broken family becoming permanently broken. its all just finally turning over and its kinda relieving for me, i've been going through the brokenness my whole life and to know it might all finally come to end is little relaxing. not an end to the brokenness exactly, but an end to the breaking continuing.
but thats just the way my life has come to, the ending of chapters and tearing out pages.

to you

alright so in case you ever read this, heres to you:

my changes throughout college were for/because college not because of you. i am not a horrible person. i am not the "slut" youve told others about. i do not need you more than you need me. i dont beg to you to be your friend. and i am not a cheater. a mistake does not make who i am.

now that thats clelared up, i wish you the best.
who ever you are choosing to be is up to you so all i say is goodluck.
goodluck to you because i promise there are people in the world that will try to deny you any right to make your own choices.

goodluck to you because you deserve to be happy.

you deserve to be loved unconditionally. you deserve great and beautiful things. you deserve beauty all around you. you deserve someone who can give you all you want. you deserve to feel challenged by someone who loves you. you deserve someone who will fight for you. you deserve someone who will stay no matter how hard you push. you deserve a friend who isnt condescending.

you deserve all this because you are brilliantly beautiful and beautifully brilliant.

give yourself a chance without judgement and fight for what you want.

wishing you all the best,
jess

God's Will

so where do i even begin?
i feel good, in fact i feel great.
i am so ready to move on, but i dont think i want to just yet.
i know who i am and i know who i want. i love a girl i barely know but i can feel it in my soul that we will be given a window of opportunity to be together.

this summer, i have let go of all hate, distrust, and anything remotely the opposite of what love is. ive embraced just letting go. it feels amazing i might add.

i pray more, i really do. ive rebuilt my relationship with God and its a strong one.

i go to church more, i ask more questions, ive let God take control of my life.

lately, i think its payed off. he has sent me so many signs of where to take my heart, and i wasnt even looking for those answers but he sent them anyway.

he says she'll come to me. he says she'll know when she lets go of judgement. he says she'll know when she stops lying and accepts herself just enough to love herself. he told me that he refused it before for my own sake, not hers.

ive learned we must live with our choices no matter the reactions that may appear, that if we stay true to who we are that nothing can hurt. and nothing can hurt because what could hurt more than giving up a part of yourself to please others?

and even after God's own will guiding me to this outcome, i am still not gonna do anything about her. why? because i owe it to myself to be wanted. i have self respect. i am not damaged.

i deserve to be seen as faithful. i deserve to be seen as extraordinarily breathtaking. i deserve to be fought for. i deserve to be defended. i deserve someone who accepts their own insecurities and is faithful to themselves to what they deserve. i deserve someone who doesnt just walk away when things get complicated.

i dont deserve to be labeled a cheater when i am not one. i dont deserve to be labeled a beggar when i am not one.i dont deserve to be pitied when i do not need it. i dont deserve to denied love when i have earned it.

i deserve to be thought about more than once a day. i deserve to chosen.
so i choose myself.

this is not me needing someone cause i do not. this is not me reaching out to someone cause i am not. this is not me caring about what your best friend thinks. this is not me caring about what you think. this is not me because i am happy. i am confident. i am loved by an amazing God. i am loyal. i am faithful. i am strong. i am beautiful. i am brilliant.


jess

the real thing

so recently i have experienced true closure with my past relationship.
i have come to realize that i am so happy having the amazing opportunity to love a woman so wonderful. i wish i could continue to show her that love, but sadly she is in a different place in her life right now and thats okay. i know that i am capable of loving someone again, maybe more than i love my ex. see, thats another thing, i thought it sucked to have broken up so nicely because i had no reason to "hate" my ex but now i am glad i dont have to go through that. i am at the point in my life to know that i still want my ex in my life but not to date, but to simply have as a friend. because that will never change. my ex will always have a special place in my heart but solely as a best friend because that is what she is. she is my best friend. shes understood me like no one else has, and although i have new best friends now, she will never lose her place in my heart. i hope one day she wont be afraid to text me when she needs help with an issue or maybe when she just wants to talk. i hope one day i'll be able to meet that other person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. i hope when the day comes, i can be there on her wedding day as a best friend and meet her beautiful kids that i know she'll have one day. i dont want to miss out on any of those moments because it may not have been as i once pictured it but it can be better. and maybe she and i werent meant to be and thats okay. but i know it in my heart that she is meant to be a constant thing in my life. whether she decided to take this extra step is up to her, but i know i am ready.

plus, i may never really know what will happen in the end. it could be that she changes again and decides she can love God and love me at the same time. cause you see, thats why we cant be together. she was raised to believe that it is not okay with God to be gay. and i am not upset about that. i have always told her if she ever felt herself pulling away from God, to tell me and we'd fix it at any means necessary.

and i know that she will continue to change and evolve as a human being in these next few years because i did too. she is still in a stage in her life where she has yet to experience the things that i have. and that may be because i am a year older but i know she will very soon go through it all.

this past year has taught be something interesting, because in the college life you really go through pretty much everything but only if you let yourself experience it. and my suggestion is to allow yourself to because you find things out about yourself you didnt know before. for example, i used to think i was sinning everytime i was with my ex but college has taught be that our first thoughts/beliefs are what we were raised to believe and the second thought is what we decide for ourselves. what i mean is that a part of me believes i should ignore the part of me that likes girls and stick to the other part of me that likes boys. but the other part of me believes that God wants me to love unconditionally. He wants me to love others as though i was loving Him. because thats what it truly means to live through God. its not about following these set of rules, but living in faith through him and showing the world that a love for him conquers all. i think thats why he wants us to love our enemies too because theyre too busy hating the world around them.

I believe My God wants me to fall in love with a person's soul/spirit and not focus on gender.
and i never know, maybe my ex/best friend will learn that too, but all in due time. not everyone learns the same lessons and that is okay too.

so dear ex,
you will no longer be known as an ex but as a friend, one of my best friends.

love always,

                     Jess.

thunderstorms

i hate thunderstorms.
i love thunderstorms.

can you see my problem?

to be honest, i don't really know why i hate/love them.
i just do.

i used to love them and then all of a sudden i grew this huge fear of them.
i never figured out why, i just did..

isnt that weird? how i developed a fear with no real reason.

maybe its a metaphor for something in my life
or maybe i just decided one day that i feared them.

heres to my innerchild fears,

i love thunderstorms, i hate thunderstorms.



jess.

dear ex

dear ex girlfriend,

i am so sorry i was not good enough for you.
i am so sorry you needed more.
i am so sorry i wasnt the one.
i am so sorry you met me.

but most of all, i am so sorry i fell in love with you.

i honestly thought you were the one.
there are so many people here at school and i cant help but think that i could have easily handled it all while with you. and i think thats because i thought you were the one.
its okay though because i forgive you. and i know you think that your heart was broken in the process of all this too but i am so sorry to say that you have not experienced a true heart break.
i understand your reasons for the breakup and i dont hold that against you, i am a better person having knowing you, but you still have no right to grieve or compare your "torn"  heart to mine.
if it matters, im doing much better now. i have found happiness by finally letting go tothe false hope i held on to for so long. i am now happy being alone, if that makes any sense. i am back to being my independent self, the girl that doesnt need someone to make her happy. the girl that can only count on herself and be okay with that. the girl that can rebuild anything that breaks her or even attempts to break. i am myself again.

i am not sorry i met you
i am not sorry i loved you
but i am sorry for thinking you'd never hurt me.

its okay now, because i have found my own neverland.

and although we arent together, i think apart of me will always have a special place in my heart for you as a friend. i say friend because thats the only thing i miss the most about you. your friendship to me was everything, so losing my best friend was hard.

but its all okay because just as you chose your new path, i am creating my own.

goodluck with all that comes towards you.
and thankyou for allowing me to love you and be loved by you.

-Jess

Happy Valentines Day

hey guys, I hope all is well for everyone especially today. Today of all days is special because it's supposed to be the one day that is dedicated to love. although I am not technically apart of today, in a strange way I am. I have friends who I love, and family I love. What greater love is there? Love is love. How a person shares it is their own to discover. I take today as a wonderful day to show the people I love how much I love them. I woke up this morning alone, but happy. I hope everyone else did too, at least happy I mean.

For those of you with the option to tell/show someone you love them, bless you. You are one of the lucky ones. Don't be afraid to do the cheesy things like buy your lover a bouquet of roses or a giant bear. Be silly, dare to be dramatic.

You get one chance a year to go over the top. Valentine's Day is the day of love. If you have someone to love, show them.

Dare to write down the many reasons you love someone.
Dare to sing the many reasons you love someone.
Dare to do it all.

And if you are spending this day alone, that's okay too. Because so am I, and I'm still here wishing you a happy Valentine's Day.

So for every person out there, I hope you had a wonderful loved day. And may the next year be even better.



Jess.

"I'm okay, I promise"

have you ever felt pain?

like emotional pain. so much of it that it physically hurts.

well I have. I feel it every day. sometimes, I can escape it with distractions like friends, soccer, or even school. But it gets harder and harder everyday.

If I'm being honest, it has gotten to the point where I feel nothing. I literally feel no pain, no emotion, nothing.. now doesn't that sound.. depressing?

Depressed. I hate that word. I don't like what it is.

I think I've been depressed my whole life, but with different reasons over the years. If I had to describe the feeling, it would be like writer's block. have you ever had that? like you're so ready to write, but there's like nothing going on in your head, you've drawn a blank space. well that's sorta how it is.

confession? I've even gone through certain lengths to try and feel something.
I've tried telling myself I liked someone, but really didn't. I tried placing cuts on the wrist, but nothing. It was weird, it was like I could see the blood, but I couldn't feel the sharp pain. In the none psychotic way, it made me laugh. I laughed because I was so confused on what the hell was going on with me.

As a kid, I was taught that feelings and everything that comes with it are weakness.
sadness- weak.
joy- weak.
Love- weak.
pain- weak.
tears- weak.

I bet my dad didn't know it at the time, but he was raising a robot.
It's sad really, to think about having no emotion. well at least I think it's sad.

alright this is too much stuff for y'all to understand in one night. Maybe I'll share more with y'all some other time.




Jess.

Cough Syrup

hey guys,
i hope yall are doing great. i am unexpectedly doing fantastic. i'm getting ready for the night to spend with people who can make me smile and laugh and forget about the bad stuff for the night.
for the first time, i feel good. i dont feel sad and i dont feel happy but i feel good. good enough to keep pushing myself through the pain.

i hope the people that say "things get better" are right because thats what im holding onto right now.

update: earlier today ive seen so many attractive people who are sadly out of my league..

but i see it as a positive because it means im actually paying attention to the people around me instead of ignoring everyone.

maybe tonight will be my lucky night and i'll meet someone. someone that fate pushed me towards.

heres to fate, goodnight yall!



Jess.

Someday

someday i will accomplish all the things i wish to do in life.

someday i will become a US Marine.

someday i will become a lawyer.

someday i will marry someone.

someday i will have kids.

someday i will change the world.

And someday i will save the world.

                   ...

One day, i will wake up from bed and say "I have accomplished all i wish to do." then i'll smile and begin again.

you may think, what else could i do? well there's a lot.
i don't want to ever stop wishing for something.
I will dare to dream.
and I will dare to conquer them

one by one, i'll scratch things off my bucket list and one by one i'll add more.

so readers, i suggest you do the same.
dont ever settle in life. even if things seem hard to do, just take it all one step at a time. and between you and me, i have this friend who inspires me practically everyday. she doesn't even know, but one day I know she will change the world.

And I know this is random and not like my usual stuff, but the way I see it is, this blog should be about anything and everything. and as i write about the little things in my complicated life, i hope you can relate this stuff somehow to your lives too. Don't ever think you're alone, because there is always someone out there who is going through the same thing.

Readers, be the best human being you can be. Redefine what people think of you. Dare to challenge the world.

January 21, 2016

Today is January 21, 2016. which means it is my anniversary, well at least it would be. today would mark 2 years with my ex and honestly i do not know how i feel about it. 

its all bitter sweet. i remember the good times i spent with her. i remember spending most of my days laughing with her, adoring her amazing smile, and thinking how i was the luckiest person in the world for having her. 

now, today is turning into just another normal day. well at least it started off that way. i hope things get easier over the years, because anything worse than the feeling i have right now i will not be able to handle it.

But, if i could tell anything to my ex right now i would still say "I love you," but i would also say that i dont need you. 

   

                            "dear ex,

                 i still love you, but i dont need you. i am okay and i hope you are too. today has been rough and maybe thats because a part of me will always feel the hurt and maybe that will never go away, but i think im okay with that. i think its okay to hurt, its the day i wake up and things dont hurt is when maybe i can finally move on. but for now, im just going to focus on myself and i hope you will too. 

               i hope you find what you're looking for, and i am sorry i couldn't give you what you needed.

                                                  love,

                                                            Jess. "

here's to hoping i can make it through the night, goodnight reader. wish me luck.

Hello 2016

you know, before, I actually thought I knew what I wanted but it turns out that I don't.

I don't know what I want. All I know is that I want something meaningful in my life and if it's not my time to find someone yet, then I can wait.

I'm done searching for someone, and maybe I already had my soulmate but things change and so do people.

Before, it used to bother me to see my past love agreeing to those posts about looking for the right person and all the sappy stuff because I felt like she was lying to herself because she already had all that and she let it go. But I'm beginning to think that maybe she didn't have that with me, and that's okay. it just means that there has to be someone out there worthy of my love.

I now understand that I am worthy of love, and my love to give is worthy too. so i'm saying goodbye to who I used to be and learning to appreciate the new person I am becoming but not yet have become.

I am ready for a change.

As Loud as Silence

Alright guys, this is one i wrote a couple of months ago...

traveling in a crowded bus
everyone talking
everyone eating
some sleeping
some just thinking.

i look around and see so many faces
i look around and see so many faces i dont recognize
faces i just dont know.

friends talking to friends
i sit in noise
i sit in silence
learning to tune out the insignificance
learning to tune out the meaningless

in reality who do i even have besides myself
i am my own friend
i am my own best friend

i smile to so many people
i put in the effort but no one budges
its almost as if they told eachother not to socialize with me
as they barely even acknowledge me, i slowly fade back into my seat.
i slowly fade back into my seat and just stare out the window
i slowly fade back into my seat and just pretend to want to be alone.

arriving to dinner who will i sit beside
everyone has someone
everyone but me
i have no one
they all have me if they need me but i still have no one.

and as i sat at the dinner table
the faces begin to smile
not knowing where to sit at first
because everyone had a seat plus one
and as i stood there scared to make a move and be rejected
a smiling face makes its way through the crowd

finally a friendly face
atleast a friendly face for the mean time

people change.
people always change
change their mind
change a choice
it all changes
its only a matter of time until this friendly face blends into the crowd

back on the bus and the noise begins again
its all white noise
but now i know
now i know not to engage into the conversations
now i know to go straight into my seat and sink
sink into my seat
sink into the screen infront of me

plugging myself in
creating my own little world for the night
creating my own little escape for the night
and as the music is blasting through my ears
the lyrics become clear
the message becomes clear

because life is too short to even care at all
this cough syrup is found
now its all down to a choice
take one more spoon full
or throw it down the drain
...

I LOVED.

Within the last two years of my high school career, I fell in love. 

So yes, my story continues.

Long story short?  I fell in love with a girl, broke her heart, mended it, and then she broke mine. Sounds awful doesn't it? To tell you the truth, it was wonderful. It was amazing to have loved and been loved so beautifully. So many people wish they could experience something so powerful, but many never do. I was lucky enough to be a part of the few who do.

The movies never get it right, everything is always so predictable. Writers never understand that the perfect love movie is the one behind the scenes. Love is like.. Love is like the stars in the sky you see at night. The way they're scattered everywhere so randomly, but it still makes so much sense. 

Love is like knowing that she takes her coffee with two creams and no sugar. Or how sometimes she just needs some hot chai tea to make her feel better. Love is turning to one another for strength when all you feel is weak. Love is learning to love the 5-year-old side of her and appreciating the silliness. 

Love is giving up the love of your life so that she may grow and learn to love herself as much as you love her.

Love is knowing when to let go, and knowing when to wait outside the door until she's ready to walk in with you.

Love is sacrificing your own heart so that she may keep hers together.

...

Jess.

nowhere to run

I don't really know how any of this actually works, but here it goes.

so all my life i have struggled with who i am and where i belong. i didn't know it at the time, but i would soon figure out i wasn't like normal girls. like any "normal" little girl, i would have those elementary crushes on the average cute boys. and just like any "normal" girl, whenever i went to see a movie i would glare at the muscular man saving the woman of his dreams. but what i never thought would happen was that not only did i find myself starring at the handsome man, but also the very attractive women. The thoughts were always there as a kid, i just didn't know what to call it at the time. And for those of you who think that it is impossible for a child to know they are not straight at a young age are wrong. of course it is not the same for everyone, but for me, i have always known the truth. 

as i fast forward to my middle school years, everything became a lot more clear to me. i had met a girl who became my best friend and who was also dating another girl. once i learned the truth about myself, it was like the world finally became what was once all a complete blur. i had learned that i had not only liked boys, but i also liked girls. After i realized who i was, i tried to hide for a while because where i grew up, it was against all my family's beliefs. it was wrong to be anything but straight. it was wrong to be who i was. within the same year, my parents found out and went crazy. my dad was yelling at me, telling me the "devil" was placing poison in my head. he tried preaching that God says it is not okay to be gay. and that was the year it all began. 

           My life had changed for the better or worse, but all i knew was that i was in for the longest roller coaster ride of my life. i knew there was no going back. i hadn't realized that the ride would be so lonely. i began to get depressed and self-harm. it was like i woke everyday to a nightmare that would never end. of course i had friends who accepted me, but i knew they would never understand what i was going through. it's a sad place where i ended up. to feel like there was nothing good for me in the world, that i was a mistake, that God did not love me. 

what's worse is battling it all on my own. crying myself to sleep every night, praying to God just to take my life away, because i thought i didn't deserve it. everyday was hell, and i wasn't even dead yet.

          now i understand that life is precious, but it has taken me a long time to realize that and i still wake up every day and fight the same fight. i hope to those reading this, you will continue to read the rest of my story as i tell it piece by piece. 

Head up, Heart Full

      Jess

welcome readers

If you're reading this then you must have clicked on my link or somehow stumbled upon this, nonetheless.. welcome to my world.

my name is Jess and this is to say the least, the story of my life. I may be the only one who reads this, but in case there's someone out there reading, I hope you find any of this helpful, or intriguing.